Forever Scarred

I’ve seen Vader get dark, I’ve seen him get angry, and I’ve seen him kill. Mix it all together and it still couldn’t have prepared me for what happened only two months ago.

I can’t fully explain it myself since it all happened so quickly, but he grew so dark he lost control. He told me he was a danger to Cesera and myself if he stayed on the ship. Blinded by love I didn’t believe him so I was finally able to convince him to stay on board. Next thing I know, he was accusing me of adultery and pinning me to the wall with his hand grasping my throat. I finally got some strength and got him off, but I have never been more frightened of him in my whole life...
I begged and pleaded with him to stay, even if it were only for the one night. I needed him then more than ever before. I needed his presence, just to calm myself down. He laid with me until I fell asleep. I awoke the next morning to find he had already left. The following week was one of the worst in my life. He sent me a comm. saying he wouldn’t return until he learned to control himself. I was left wondering if and when that would happen. For a few days I truly believed he wasn’t coming back. I even tried leaving the ship for a few days to clear my mind. Unfortunately, all I could think of was Vader and I ended up coming home the very next day... *sighs* I don't know how my mother managed with father gone for so long. I wish she could share the secret with me...

Although I found in my heart to forgive him for what he's done, I'm still haunted by what took place. When Vader first returned, any time he became angry from work I've been backing away from him.... I feel awful now for doing so but I wasn't sure if he truly learned control or not. And even now, I've been waking in the middle of the night from nightmares about what happened...

To make matters even worse, once Vader left the Jedi from my past showed up with some crazy notion that I needed to be "purified" from the dark side. But because I've been emotionally compromised by the Jedi's tricks and Vader's prolonged absence I couldn't concentrate on the fight. There's a scar on my back from the large gash I received by his hands...it still hurts every now and then. I've wondered every now and then if I'd ever be strong enough to win in a fight on my own. The man's words cut in deep.

Vader took Cesera and I to Vjun for some security while the Jedi is detained on Executor. And while it's nice to get away from that monster, I feel Vader's still quite distant. He's been spending most of his time away or working. I want us to be able to patch these problems up and move on. I miss the way things were...